It took a two hour long conversation with a coworker I normally don't work with for me to realize why I have had such a hard time making friends at Miami: I am afraid to be vulnerable.
Now that I've realized this, I'm not embarrassed to say it. That is exactly what has happened. I haven't allowed myself to take that initial step because I was afraid what would happen if the other person didn't want to be my friend. I simply didn't want to be hurt or deal with the let down.
I like being comfortable and in a position of control, and when I lose that, I feel helpless. I believe I create my destiny, I hold the responsibility of my future in my hands. So, when I could not control what the other person thought of me or if they wanted to hang out or not, I simply did not know what to do. Since the other person was probably feeling the same way, nothing ever progressed outside a classroom friendship.
I cannot thank this person enough for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I was afraid to be vulnerable and now that I know, I can grow from it.
In just one week, I feel I have managed to progress somewhat, but I have been taking small steps.
The interesting part is though, by me taking the initiative, I do feel like I have more control than sitting by the wayside. The brief moment of vulnerability that I have to put myself through by inviting or asking someone to hang out or be my friend on Facebook doesn't amount to the time that I would spend waiting for someone else to do what I know I should.
I am so surprised at how much this realization has impacted me, but I am thankful for the reflection it has caused.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Doin' Me
It's funny how people can repeatedly tell you to do what's right for you and to not follow others just because they want you to do something, yet when you do exactly that, everyone gets mad and all hell breaks loose.
I can't seem to ever get it right. If I focus on what I want, it always seems to automatically be the wrong choice. When should I choose what I want to do over what others want me to do? Because apparently I can only do what I want when it is convenient for someone else.
I just spent an entire weekend at school without my sister Ashley for the first time since I've been going to Miami. Bored does not even begin to define the days I spent trying to entertain myself. Yet, I would much rather spend my weekends making videos of myself lip-synching Backstreet Boys' songs than go home to a place where I feel I have no say in what I do.
Every time I go home for a vacation or a weekend I get pulled in a million different directions and somehow I always choose to go in the direction that leads to people getting mad at me. I have family and friends who all expect me to spend time with them and some just don't understand that others want to see me too.
I try to plan my time evenly. The way I see it, I should spend at least half my time at home and split the other half between friends. Unfortunately, all my friends do not hang out with each other and while I can respect that and not force them to spend time with each other, I also ask them to understand that I have other friends to see during my allotted "friend" time.
Whether it's friends or family, someone always gets their feelings hurt and gets upset with me for not choosing them over the other. I can tell you right now, I don't do anything I don't want to. I think about every decision I make, I choose what sounds best to me and I do what I want.
Is that not how I have been taught to live my life? Do what is best for me and not what others are wanting me to do.
Apparently in these circumstances, this is not the case. I guess in these instances I am supposed to people please.
Well, I cannot change who I am. I will always do what I want to do, that's just how I am. Maybe one day I will wish I spent my time with one person over another, but I need to learn this on my own and I hope I don't lose too much love along the way. I think the family and friends that really love me will be there and understand, especially if they want me to tell the truth about what I'm doing because if you criticize me when I tell the truth, why would I make the mistake of telling you the truth again?
I need to live my life and make choices based on what I think is best. Ultimately, I'm doin' me.
I can't seem to ever get it right. If I focus on what I want, it always seems to automatically be the wrong choice. When should I choose what I want to do over what others want me to do? Because apparently I can only do what I want when it is convenient for someone else.
I just spent an entire weekend at school without my sister Ashley for the first time since I've been going to Miami. Bored does not even begin to define the days I spent trying to entertain myself. Yet, I would much rather spend my weekends making videos of myself lip-synching Backstreet Boys' songs than go home to a place where I feel I have no say in what I do.
Every time I go home for a vacation or a weekend I get pulled in a million different directions and somehow I always choose to go in the direction that leads to people getting mad at me. I have family and friends who all expect me to spend time with them and some just don't understand that others want to see me too.
I try to plan my time evenly. The way I see it, I should spend at least half my time at home and split the other half between friends. Unfortunately, all my friends do not hang out with each other and while I can respect that and not force them to spend time with each other, I also ask them to understand that I have other friends to see during my allotted "friend" time.
Whether it's friends or family, someone always gets their feelings hurt and gets upset with me for not choosing them over the other. I can tell you right now, I don't do anything I don't want to. I think about every decision I make, I choose what sounds best to me and I do what I want.
Is that not how I have been taught to live my life? Do what is best for me and not what others are wanting me to do.
Apparently in these circumstances, this is not the case. I guess in these instances I am supposed to people please.
Well, I cannot change who I am. I will always do what I want to do, that's just how I am. Maybe one day I will wish I spent my time with one person over another, but I need to learn this on my own and I hope I don't lose too much love along the way. I think the family and friends that really love me will be there and understand, especially if they want me to tell the truth about what I'm doing because if you criticize me when I tell the truth, why would I make the mistake of telling you the truth again?
I need to live my life and make choices based on what I think is best. Ultimately, I'm doin' me.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Strangers Who Live Next Door
Every new year we get bombarded with advertisements asking us what our new year resolution is and to use their product to help us reach our goals. Typically losing weight, quitting a bad habit, spending more time with family, and getting organized top the list and I usually choose one of these as my resolution also. However, this year I am going for a more realistic approach. I want to do something different with my life, but all the typical resolutions require effort that I just never end up giving and my new year resolution carries over to the next year.
So, my 2011 new year resolution is simple, something I could see myself doing each day, but having a profound impact on my life. I am going to say "hi," "hello," "what's up," or a greeting of some form to a random person each day.
This task may not seem like much, or maybe even out of the ordinary for some people, but for me, this will make a difference in my day. I have managed to live next door to people in my dorm and not get to know their names or even know what they look like for the past year and a half. I made it all of last year without meeting my neighbors, I honestly could not tell you any of the four girls' names that lived beside me and I would not be able to point them out in a crowd. So far this school year, I do not know what my neighbors look like nor do I know their names, again! How can I go through an entire school year without getting to know the people living right beside me?
This issue, which I find to be a problem, is one of the main reasons I want to embark upon this goal of saying "hi" to new people each day. I should know my neighbors and the people I pass each day, at least their names and faces, but somewhere along the way I have gotten so caught up in my own life that I have deemed those I pass irrelevant.
Since we are already two weeks into the new year and I still have not managed to post this, I have tried to start my new year's resolution and it has definitely brought some smiles. When I talk to someone I don't know when I'm having a bad day, it makes me feel better. I feel accepted and liked, which is not always the case when I feel like such an outcast at Miami. The simple "how are you doing?" brings some needed interaction in my solitary world and I don't think I'm the only one. I think saying "howdy" makes others' days as well, especially when you walk by and can tell it's been a rough one.
Just today I said "hey" to two new people as I sat in my new favorite spot, the basement of my dorm building. They live in the basement and one actually came back to talk to me after he went to his room. It wasn't as if we had a deep conversation or anything, but it made me think "wow! I guess I am approachable." I mean I sometimes feel that I must seem unfriendly or strange or for whatever reason unapproachable when I'm at Miami because I can't seem to make any friends!
I know I probably won't be making many more friends from just saying "hey," but it'll be nice to know a few more faces around campus and hopefully a few more names of my neighbors.
So, my 2011 new year resolution is simple, something I could see myself doing each day, but having a profound impact on my life. I am going to say "hi," "hello," "what's up," or a greeting of some form to a random person each day.
This task may not seem like much, or maybe even out of the ordinary for some people, but for me, this will make a difference in my day. I have managed to live next door to people in my dorm and not get to know their names or even know what they look like for the past year and a half. I made it all of last year without meeting my neighbors, I honestly could not tell you any of the four girls' names that lived beside me and I would not be able to point them out in a crowd. So far this school year, I do not know what my neighbors look like nor do I know their names, again! How can I go through an entire school year without getting to know the people living right beside me?
This issue, which I find to be a problem, is one of the main reasons I want to embark upon this goal of saying "hi" to new people each day. I should know my neighbors and the people I pass each day, at least their names and faces, but somewhere along the way I have gotten so caught up in my own life that I have deemed those I pass irrelevant.
Since we are already two weeks into the new year and I still have not managed to post this, I have tried to start my new year's resolution and it has definitely brought some smiles. When I talk to someone I don't know when I'm having a bad day, it makes me feel better. I feel accepted and liked, which is not always the case when I feel like such an outcast at Miami. The simple "how are you doing?" brings some needed interaction in my solitary world and I don't think I'm the only one. I think saying "howdy" makes others' days as well, especially when you walk by and can tell it's been a rough one.
Just today I said "hey" to two new people as I sat in my new favorite spot, the basement of my dorm building. They live in the basement and one actually came back to talk to me after he went to his room. It wasn't as if we had a deep conversation or anything, but it made me think "wow! I guess I am approachable." I mean I sometimes feel that I must seem unfriendly or strange or for whatever reason unapproachable when I'm at Miami because I can't seem to make any friends!
I know I probably won't be making many more friends from just saying "hey," but it'll be nice to know a few more faces around campus and hopefully a few more names of my neighbors.
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