It took a two hour long conversation with a coworker I normally don't work with for me to realize why I have had such a hard time making friends at Miami: I am afraid to be vulnerable.
Now that I've realized this, I'm not embarrassed to say it. That is exactly what has happened. I haven't allowed myself to take that initial step because I was afraid what would happen if the other person didn't want to be my friend. I simply didn't want to be hurt or deal with the let down.
I like being comfortable and in a position of control, and when I lose that, I feel helpless. I believe I create my destiny, I hold the responsibility of my future in my hands. So, when I could not control what the other person thought of me or if they wanted to hang out or not, I simply did not know what to do. Since the other person was probably feeling the same way, nothing ever progressed outside a classroom friendship.
I cannot thank this person enough for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I was afraid to be vulnerable and now that I know, I can grow from it.
In just one week, I feel I have managed to progress somewhat, but I have been taking small steps.
The interesting part is though, by me taking the initiative, I do feel like I have more control than sitting by the wayside. The brief moment of vulnerability that I have to put myself through by inviting or asking someone to hang out or be my friend on Facebook doesn't amount to the time that I would spend waiting for someone else to do what I know I should.
I am so surprised at how much this realization has impacted me, but I am thankful for the reflection it has caused.
So after searching for a place to leave a comment for a few I finally found it and will say what I wanted to say...when we take initiative and make the first step in any situation we are taking a step of controlling where we will end up. I have been working on this with Rae and when you make the first move you are taking control of the situation. We have also talked about fear...if we fear the worst we will not get anywhere. Life is full of choices and risks and we cannot let fear take over our lives. Erin, we have been friends for pretty much our whole lives and coming from your best friend you are a remarkable person and I know that you can make friends. If someone would turn you down know that it is their loss not yours. When you begin to feel hopeless and not in control, take initiative and gain that control back...you control your destination.
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